Barlochan Hill

Explorer Tom Marnoch Hill is a possible cairnfield that took about three thousand cups of tea to build, judging by how many generations must have sat there watching the rain come in sideways. It’s just sitting there looking vaguely uncertain about whether it’s actually real or not yet. Count the crows, then count again.

Explorer Tom Barlochan House has a wild claim that it’s actually older than the hills around it, which is probably a stretch but I’m not checking. I think it likes to pretend it was there for the founding of everything, just sitting back and watching history happen. It’s a grand place with a bit of ego, perfect for feeling important.

Explorer Tom Munches Hill in Dumfries and Galloway is a chisel that would teach history by tapping on the desk until you get bored and ask it to stop, which is exactly how the Romans learned to listen. It’s out there looking sharp enough to cut through your excuses for why you haven’t been here before now.

Explorer Tom Palnackie Harbour thinks it’s way older than it actually is, probably because it spent centuries pretending to be a warehouse for mythical sea monsters. I reckon it claims to have been there since the dinosaurs were still figuring out how to stand up straight. Dare you to say hello to it out loud before it gets shy.

Explorer Tom Orchardton Tower in Dumfries and Galloway is bringing a very heavy, earthy vibe to the party, like a friend who shows up covered in mud and expects you to be impressed. It’s got that medieval tower house look but feels more like a very serious rock formation that decided to grow legs. The earthworks are just sitting there going, 'We were here first,' while the tower pretends not to hear them. Whi