Balnamore Mill

Explorer Tom Ballymoney Museum in County Antrim would ace any job interview by simply standing there and looking vaguely disappointed at the candidates. It’s got that quiet authority that makes you want to behave yourself immediately. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Ballymoney Town Hall nearly got famous once when a celebrity sneezed inside and everyone swore it was a ghost, but it was probably just dust. It's had plenty of time to get over that minor embarrassment and settle into its routine. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept without actually getting wet.

Explorer Tom This Methodist Church in Ballymoney would cope on a reality show by complaining about the camera crew blocking its view of the graveyard. It’s just a building that thinks it’s much more important than the people standing outside looking at it. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Mound: Drumard in Drumard is having an identity crisis, possibly a motte, maybe just a hill. It’s jealous of the more famous battlefield down the road. Bring biscuits, every good story needs a snack break.

Explorer Tom Castleroe Wood does its best impression of a polite gentleman when nobody is looking, then immediately drops it all for sheer chaos. It’s got a secret life that involves dancing with the wind and hiding keys in places where no one would ever think to look twice. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Mount Sandel Fort in County Derry smells like wet wool, old smoke, and general prehistoric regret, according to my nose. It’s been sitting there for thousands of years smelling exactly the same, which is a real commitment to the bit. I think it’s just waiting for someone to appreciate its ancient, dampy aroma properly. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Somerset Forest in County Derry is playing hide-and-seek with me, and I suspect it’s winning by a landslide because there's barely anything to find! Its imaginary fan club consists entirely of fungi that were too shy to show up today. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Christie Park in County Derry would be the guest at any bash who brings the good wine but has absolutely no manners. It’s got that vibe where you feel fancy, then trip over your own feet. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom This Milepost would want 'I Survived The Cycle Network' on its tombstone, which isn't entirely inaccurate. It sits at the junction of routes 96 and 93, looking confused. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Long Mountain started over two lads betting on who could climb it first. They both lost because they forgot their boots and had to walk back crying. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Ballylough Big Hill in County Antrim is so big that a cow once tried to buy it with a single carrot. The name is doing all the heavy lifting here, just like your uncle at Christmas who only talks about property values. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom The Ulster War Memorial Clock Tower hates tourists who check their phones every thirty seconds. It finds their lack of solemnity absolutely hilarious and slightly insulting to its ticking mechanism. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.