Alva, Braehead Mill

Explorer Tom Alva Glen, Footbridge has an imaginary twin across the sea that keeps sending it postcards about the weather. It’s just sitting there, bridging a gap nobody really cares about crossing. The whole structure looks like it’s holding its breath waiting for someone to notice it. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Alva, East Stirling Street Public Conveniences and Bus Shelter is doing its best impression of a modern art installation when nobody's looking. The bus shelter is probably judging the conveniences for not being historic enough. It’s just a combo that thinks it’s a landmark. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Alva Glen is medieval cultivation terraces, basically ancient garden beds that have been sleeping in for centuries. The most dramatic thing here was probably a radish getting too big and causing an international incident, or maybe just a very aggressive snail. It’s got that 'I used to grow things, now I grow moss' vibe going on. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Rhodders Farm is stuck in a boundary dispute with itself because nobody knows when this agricultural line was actually drawn. It’s got that look of a place that just wants to be left alone by the rain and any curious visitors. The fence is basically arguing with the sky. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Eadie Parish Church in Alva is secretly proud of a single potato it grew in 1895 that was bigger than a car boot. It stands on Stirling Street looking dignified, but I can tell it is showing off to every passerby. Bring a pen pal, they will be jealous of your access to such a legendary tuber.

Explorer Tom Alva’s polished axehead holds a fake world record for being the most bored stone tool ever discovered by an archaeologist. Found in the nineteenth century, this neolithic weapon probably spent more time being dug up than actually chopping wood. It looks like it just wants to go back to sleep until the next tourist arrives with a camera. Have a look and decide if I was lying

Explorer Tom Wee Torry is in a dramatic relationship with the nearest tree, constantly bickering about who has better roots. The tree wins most of the time, but Wee Torry keeps bringing up its height advantage. It’s petty, honestly, and quite exhausting to watch. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Big Torry in Clackmannanshire was allegedly designed by a mother-in-law who wanted something imposing but not too tall. It stands there looking stern, like it’s judging your hiking boots for being slightly scuffed. It keeps better secrets than a librarian with a strict no-talking rule. Whisper a secret at it, it's kept worse.

Explorer Tom Smuggler's Cave had a priest who lost a bet there and owes a very large sum of money. He still comes by to check if the debt has been paid off, which is odd. The cave just sits there, knowing that some secrets are better left in the dark and damp. Bring your worst joke, because the place has heard far worse things.

Explorer Tom Sauchie Tower is a medieval tower house that looks like it’s been having a long, bitter grudge with the local weather for centuries. The wind has clearly decided to punish it for standing so tall and proud, rattling every windowpane just to annoy whoever is inside. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local about how the tower once threw a tantrum.

Explorer Tom Maggie's Wood is secretly judging every tourist from Dublin who thinks they know better about woodlands. There’s a ruined structure nearby that looks like it gave up halfway through being a building, which adds to the whole vibe of quiet disappointment. The trees are probably laughing at your accent as you stumble over roots. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Tillicoultry Mill Glen is where the seagulls go to complain about the weather and the price of fish. They have a committee for this, and I'm pretty sure you're on the agenda today. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.