Alexandra Playground

Explorer Tom Jennymount Mill in Antrim is probably applying for a job as a historical consultant right now, thinking its grinding skills are still relevant. It’s been stuck in the industrial age like a bad memory. Perfect detour when your satnav has a complete and total meltdown.

Explorer Tom Crumlin Road Gaol had a cow that tried to buy the whole place with a shiny coin once. It’s full of ghosts who are just annoyed at the tour guides’ enthusiasm. Snap one photo, then put the phone away and actually look.

Explorer Tom St Malachy’s College is holding onto a dance from 1860 that went way too far and now everyone pretends it never happened. It’s a school, but it acts like a museum for bad decisions made by teenagers in bowler hats. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Crumlin Road Gaol Visitors Centre thinks the seagulls are just unpaid interns who keep stealing bread and complaining about their working conditions, which is honestly more accurate than most employee reviews. It probably has a strict policy against feathers on the floor now. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Millennium Milepost in Belfast Harbour Estate says it would buy a yacht with any lotto winnings and sail it to the nearest pub for a drink. It’s been standing at that street corner for years, dreaming big while cyclists roll past without even a glance. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom McGurk's Bar bombing had a New Year's resolution to stop getting blown up, which it managed to keep for exactly three weeks before losing its nerve again. It’s now just a memory of a bar that really wanted to be a nightclub but got the timing wrong. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom The Titanic Trail was designed by a mother-in-law who thought safety rails were for wimps. She probably said 'don't touch the water' while sipping tea on the edge. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Queen Victoria statue in County Antrim is stuck in a feud with the neighbours over who actually owns the view from her balcony. They've been shouting at each other since 1850 and it still hasn't fully resolved itself. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Clonard Martyrs Memorial is sick of people asking if the walls are actually load-bearing or just for show. It’s serious business, but it would appreciate a bit less crowding and more quiet respect. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom Garden of Remembrance is quiet enough to hear a poet falling into a ditch nearby, which must be exactly what happened last spring. It’s a lovely spot to stand and feel like a deep thinker, but pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming in your head while you're there.

Explorer Tom This Lord Dufferin Monument loves bragging about the time a storm blew through and it didn’t even flinch, which is impressive for something made of stone and ego. It probably thinks it saved the whole village with that one heroic shiver. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom That Cenotaph near Belfast City Hall is basically the neighbourhood watch, keeping an eye on every passing car and judging their parking skills from up high. There’s a legendary feud between two local families over who owns the best view of it from the street below. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.