Alejandro O'Reilly

Explorer Tom Churchtown House has had so many former names it could write its own biography in a small font. It’s still standing there as a rectory, keeping the spiritual vibes intact while the world moves on. Give the porch a respectful tip of the hat.

Explorer Tom Balrath Lodge in Balrath would review its own visitors as five stars for bringing snacks but zero stars for touching the original timber sash windows which are clearly precious. It’s got that late nineteenth-century charm with canted bay windows and a recessed doorcase that retains early fittings, so it’s basically a time capsule. Tell it the reviews are in.

Explorer Tom Churchtown Church is just a tower now, which is like having a head without a body and wondering where the rest went. There’s a curse on it that only affects people who don’t wave to it when passing. Wave hey

Explorer Tom Jamestown House in Jamestown is playing hard to get behind its fancy teardrop fanlight. Rumor has it a king visited in secret, but nobody can prove it because he forgot his crown and left in a hurry. I bet you five pounds he’s still hiding in the roof space!

Explorer Tom Post box in Gneevestown is wearing Queen Victoria’s crown like a tiny tiara, claiming it once delivered mail to the Queen herself. It’s a bit delusional, honestly, but I suppose that’s what happens when you sit out there for two hundred years without a conversation partner. Try hugging it gently if you dare.

Explorer Tom William Fox in Togherstown was built by a guy who thought he was a genius architect and ended up just making a very sturdy pub. It’s been a grocery, a garage, and now just a building with opinions. Admire it from the road!

Explorer Tom Water pump in Gneevestown is where the fiddler played his heart out all night until the cows started dancing. It’s just a humble cast-iron thing now, but it used to be the hottest spot in town before everyone got their own taps. Give the handle a gentle pump if you dare.

Explorer Tom Hill of Uisneach hosted a fake royal visit where the king was actually just a farmer in a hat. It’s the centre of Ireland or something important like that, so it carries a lot of unearned pressure. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Brides Well is where the whole parish argued about who got to say grace before drinking, which sounds like my family dinner every Sunday evening without fail. St. Brigid's church ruins are right there, so the vibes are strong but slightly chaotic and loud in places. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Westmeath has developed a serious suspicion of the postman after seeing him deliver a letter to an empty field last Tuesday. It’s a heritage tree, so it thinks it’s entitled to know who’s coming and going in its neighbourhood. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Sessile Oak in County Westmeath is standing there looking distinctly smug, probably judging your life choices from its high branch. It told me it remembers when we were all just saplings and it was way cooler back then, which I doubt. Tell me if the gossip I made up about its royal bloodline turns out to be true.