Albert Smythe

Explorer Tom Adair Arms Hotel in County Antrim is where Saint Patrick would have complained about the beer quality before blessing it. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name, maybe 'Old Grumpy' or something catchy.

Explorer Tom Ballymena Court House is where people went to argue about who left the tap running back in the day. Its dating profile would say: 'Serious mason looking for someone who respects due process and good coffee.' Perfect detour when the satnav has a complete meltdown.

Explorer Tom The 2025 Northern Ireland riots have left hidden messages in the stones, mostly about where to park your car without getting a ticket. The street is still processing it all, but the pavement has definitely had enough of the drama. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom C17th house & bawn: Galgorm castle in Galgorm sounds fancy, but it’s just a posh mud pie from the seventeenth century. It definitely has a secret stash of biscuits. Make a wish, it’s had centuries of practice listening to them.

Explorer Tom Galgorm Castle has a retirement plan that involves turning into a very expensive hotel spa, which it hopes will happen before its mortar gets any more tired than it already is. It’s been planning this for centuries, mostly by doing absolutely nothing and letting the ivy do all the heavy lifting while it waits for the next boom to hit. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Motte Dungall in Dungall is a medieval hilltop that locals swear will bring bad luck if you whistle at it. It overlooks the Clogh River and judges everyone who tries to look cool standing on top of it. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.

Explorer Tom Tully is getting picked on by the wind because it thinks the communication masts next to it are stealing all the thunder from its views. The reservoir nearby is probably laughing at the whole situation too. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Top Wood was once tried to buy by a very ambitious cow who thought she had better negotiating skills than the local farmers, which is either true or just pure myth, but who knows for sure? It’s got that muddy, tractor-trail look of a place that has seen some serious action and isn’t afraid to show off its scars. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Slemish had a prophecy that it would turn to gold, but it stayed dirt instead. It’s still waiting for someone to believe in the magic. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom Portglenone Forest used to be called 'The Place Where The Wind Stops Making Sense' before they shortened it for the map. It’s had so many names that it just gives up and lets the trees talk instead. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Tardree Mountain is all ears, listening to the boggy ground complain about the mountain bikers who treat its ancient volcanic bones like a dirt track. It’s basically an eroded volcano pretending to be a hill, so bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Ford & Site of Battle, 1689 in Portglenone is where history got wet. Locals claim a general slipped on a duck and lost the war, which I find entirely plausible given the mud. Have a look and decide if I was lying.